I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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