So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
