I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
