I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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