she looked like the bat from fern gully.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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