Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
