It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
