"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
