Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
