and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
