Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
