does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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