Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
