she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
