My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Randomize
