matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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