i already hear my dad disowning me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
