omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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