I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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