Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
