Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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