Pappa wants mamma naked
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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