if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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