yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
