i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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