im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
