I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
