one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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