My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
