The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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