My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
