So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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