Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
