dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
