real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
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THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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