There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
