I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Drake has all the answers
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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