The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
