Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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