you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
