I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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