I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
