I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he puts the penis in happiness.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
