You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
