Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
