so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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