He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Come on in and take your pants off
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