I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
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Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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