I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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