It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
