she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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