Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
