Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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