remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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