I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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