There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
